Since I need something to keep my mind busy, I thought I would go ahead and type this post so that I can share it closer to our "Gotcha Day".
Bryan and I attended an International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham in June. They recommended we send out a letter to friends and family to help describe our coming home experience and help prepare you for some of the struggles and joys we will face. They even gave us an example to use. I think I'll share some of it as well as some of our personal thoughts.
This may be long…please bear with me.
I promise it will make a difference in how you view us bringing our sweet girl home.
Dear Friends and Family,
As we get ready to embark on one of the most exciting events in our lives, we are thinking a lot about the people around us and how much our lives are going to change. Family has always been important to us. We are very fortunate to have such loving family and friends, especially our church family. We appreciate the support and excitement that you all have shown to us as we have made this journey. We're thrilled about bringing home MinLan! We've done lots of reading, research and asked a lot of other adoptive parents about this process and we feel prepared to help our little girl become a well-adapted member of our family.
There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child. There are also quite a few things that we have learned are different. Through our adoption agency, the UAB International Adoption Clinic, books, other adoptive parents, adoption social workers and more, we have learned that our little one needs a specific type of environment and parenting when she first comes home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to successfully bond with our family.
While we know that every child is different, we also understand that there are many possible things that will impact MinLan's beliefs and behavior when she gets home. These include how much nurturing she received, if there was abuse or neglect, the amount and quality of food received, illnesses, the quality of care and MinLan's unique temperament and personality. The result of these things can include behavioral issues, emotional disorders and a sense of grief and loss from being separated from the only home and caregivers our little one has ever known.
Adoption is a traumatic and scary event for any age child whether they are newborn or ten years old. They're being removed from all of their routines and familiar surroundings. Even babies will feel grief and sadness at an event like this. In order to help MinLan feel safe and learn that we are her parents, we will be creating the type of environment that will promote security during this time.
When our child gets home, at the recommendation of experienced adoption professionals, we need to implement specific parenting approaches to help encourage a strong, attached, emotionally healthy family member. MinLan needs to learn that we are her parents. She needs to feel nurtured and safe.
Here are some things we will be doing for MinLan based on research and experience of other children. We will try our best to live a very quiet life (so hard for us!!!!) with limited trips out and few visitors in for a little while. It will be very hard for us with our very busy schedule. We are not exactly sure how this will work in our lives. We will just take it day by day and make adjustments as we need to. We also want to be supportive of our other children and not upset their daily lives either. It is such a blessing to our family that Bryan will be a full-time student during much of this initial bonding period. God is so good and His timing is perfect!
Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first adopted, they may be overwhelmed, scared and nervous. By keeping our lives as boring as possible at first, we'll be helping MinLan feel safe. This does NOT mean that we do not want visitors coming to see our little one for the first time. We will just have to limit it a little so it is not so overwhelming. We would love for as many people as would like to, meet us at the airport when we arrive home. That will be a wonderful and touching for us to see so many familiar and supportive faces when we arrive. We do not want family and friends to stay away from us. We just can't pass MinLan around for everyone to hold and we will have to be mindful of overloading her with new things and people. We know you'll want to hug, kiss and help spoil our sweet girl, but it is recommended that we be the only ones to do that at first to improve her chances of attaching strongly to us. Until we feel MinLan has attached and clearly knows we are her parents, we will need to feed, change and take care of her. I know that missing out on some sweet sugar and hugs will be disappointing to many of you. Have no fear; there will be many more once she becomes comfortable at home.
As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing. It is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that they haven't really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign MinLan has attached to us if during her first months home she will just let anyone take her and hold her without searching for her mom or dad. For sure it is going to be a weird and wonderful experience for us. We are so excited and can't wait to bring MinLan home so you can all see her and get to know her. Things are just a little different when you are adopting a baby rather than having a biological child. She will be adapting to a lot of new things…new parents, new family, new home, new foods, new time zone (totally opposite what she's used to). That is a lot to swallow at one time.
We appreciate your understanding in reading this. We're sharing this with you so that you will understand how dedicated and committed we are to helping our new little one adjust and adapt during this stressful time in her life. We feel confident that everything will smooth out quickly and we will be on more of a normal schedule.
We Love You All,
Jenifer and Bryan
